The Clover Test: What Kind Of Driver Are You?
By Eric Peters, Automotive Columnist
Could you be a Clover? Maybe you don’t even know what a Clover is?
Here’s how to know:
Do you use your rearview mirror?
Clovers tend to be oblivious to their surroundings — and in particular, of their fellow motorists. They don’t notice that their rear bumper has grown a tail six other cars long. The true dyed-in-the-wool Clover does notice — but doesn’t care. Either he’s “doing the speed limit”– or the other drivers are “speeders.”
Those other cars stacking up behind him can wait. What’s their rush, anyhow?
Back into parking spaces?
A behavior peculiar to Clovers is the reflexive need to back into parking spaces — after multiple attempts and always at an angle that makes the adjacent spot useless or (if another car is already parked there) forces its owner to enter his vehicle Dukes of Hazzard style, through the window — because there’s not enough space to open the door anymore.
Need two lanes to pass a bicycle?
Clovers have much worse than average depth perception and sense of spatial relationships, so when they roll up behind a bicycle, they will slow to the bike’s 10 mph crawl and hold until they have at least another car width’s worth of room to attempt to pass by. This may not become possible for many excruciating miles.
Apply the brakes at random?
Just like the blipping bioluminescence of a firefly, the Clover will signal his presence in the area by tapping his brakes for no reason, at random — even on open stretches of road.
Related: See-saw slowing and speeding up. The Clover never quite masters the High Skill of maintaining a given speed without the assistance of cruise control.
Slow for School Zones even when school’s obviously out?
The Clover is born with a hinge at the base of his spine, near the pelvis — to facilitate reflexive genuflecting before any and all laws — even when the law at issue isn’t even operative. Thus, to a Clover, one must always slow to a Moped-like crawl when within a 5 mile radius of any school, open or not.
Wait for the green light even when right on red is legal?
Clovers by definition lack initiative. Thus, they will park at traffic lights and wait — even if right on red is allowed and even if it’s infuriatingly clear to other drivers trying to get where they’re going that there’s no oncoming traffic. The Clover will wait…. and wait. And then wait some more. And thus, so will you.
When the light finally does go green, the Clover will invariably not notice for several seconds, long enough to make sure that at least two or three cars behind him that might otherwise have made the light won’t.
Do you frequently stop-merge?
This is a Cloverish specialty de la maison. When entering a busy highway, stop on the on-ramp; then creep directly in front of traffic running 70 mph at no more than 15 or 20 MPH. It’s up to the other cars to make room for you. If another driver almost wrecks or spills his coffee all over his lap trying to avoid you, well — he shouldn’t have been “speeding.” So there.
Refuse to move right?
Perhaps the signature characteristic of Clovers the world over is their adamant refusal to yield to faster-moving traffic. Ever. This act is what distinguishes the Clover from the merely slow/cautious driver. It is understandable that some drivers — the elderly, for instance — are not comfortable driving faster than the speed limit, or even at the speed limit. We may all end up like this someday. But the problem here isn’t the slow driving. It’s the obnoxious, passive-aggressive determination to force everyone else to drive slowly, too.
The non-Clover will notice that others are trying to get by and will pull over, or move right to let them do so. We wave our hands in appreciative thanks. The Clover, however, will cling to his position like a leg-humping Lab. Flashing your lights will only egg him on; he’ll drive even more slowly. Some particularly vengeful Clovers will even use their Clovermobiles (typically, older Buicks or late-model SmooVees plastered with those little stick figure fambly icons) to physically try to prevent you from passing if you dare to try.
The true Clover, you see, is not merely a bad driver. He is a bad driver on a tear; angry at the world and in particular, anyone who who doesn’t view the world in through Clover-colored glasses. That would be anyone who doesn’t automatically worship The Law (any law; every law) or who isn’t consumed by a desire to make sure everyone else obeys The Law.
Hopefully, this isn’t you. And if it is you, why not just move over?
It’s not very hard — and you’ll feel better in the morning.
Comments?
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You deserve every speeding ticket you get. You can complain all you want after the fact, but it's true. Find out why.
It's one of the "great" American past times: complaining about unfair speeding tickets. There are two types of people when it comes to complaining about this particular type of traffic ticket. Which group are you in?
Have you ever been in a traffic jam and then after it clears, when you expect to see an accident or some other reason for it, you find nothing? Find out what causes these traffic jams.
It's not what causes these traffic jams, it's who. There's a specific type of driver to blame and the worst part is that they love doing it and refuse to stop. Who is wasting your time?
<div id="idc-comment-msg-div-142412060" class="idc-message"><a class="idc-close" title="Click to Close Message" href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(142412060)"><span>Close Message</span> Comment posted. <p class="idc-nomargin"><a class="idc-share-facebook" onclick="IDC.ui.fb_wrapper(142412060)" href="javascript: void(null)" style="text-decoration: none;"><span class="idc-share-inner"><span>Share on Facebook</span></span> or <a href="javascript: IDC.ui.close_message(142412060)">Close MessageAs far as bicycles go, i try to give as much room as possible. I reallllllly hate bikes. especially on busy roads. But at the same time i want to be safe. MD passed a law last year that requires you to give at least 3 feet of space. which is quite a bit.
The driving slow thing, i swear they do it on purpose. One of my co-workers was on a delivery where he was caught behind a guy doing 25 in a 40! So he got all up on his ass. Then the guy got pissed and they actually pulled up beside each other and started arguing. The guy was pissed he was all up on him. While my co-worker yelled back well maybe if you weren't doing 25 in a 40 maybe I wouldn't be so close.
The waiting for green on a right turn on read pisses me off to no end. I mean there is no cars for like 3 miles and their just sitting there. What are you doing? eating a sandwich? Go Already. What are you afraid of? I'm not a big horn honker but maybe I should more often.
My grandmother drives slow, real slow. like slower than the limit, especially when shes talking. But she admits it and stays off interstate highways
because she is smart enough to realize it's safer for her to stay away. I commend her for that.
I was on a delivery the other day and this guy slowly walks out into the road, so now I have to stop and of course I'm wondering what the hell is he doing. He yells for me to roll down my window and starts yelling at me for going to fast over the speed hump and for speeding up after the speed hump. Telling me that kids run out into the road ect. Points to his 2 year old on the side of the road. Mind you when I came down the road the first time I was not worried about anyone even close to the road. Not only that on this particular stretch of the roads there is another parking lot and then the town homes. Anyways I was doing 35 mph tops on this 25 mph road. Then at the end of the one sided conversation he tells me he's going to break my window if he sees me do it again. I tell you the thing we endure as pizza delivery drivers is just unreal at times. Just because you have that car topper on your car everyone feels the need to put in their 2 cents about how you drive. Never mind their next door neighbor that goes careening down the road at twice the speed limit. Guess what we're all safe drivers, you can't have more than 2 points on your license to be a delivery driver. I assume some places are even stricter. If anything we're more likly to be better drivers than you are, being that driving is our job, you jerk. I wanted to tell this guy the next time he walks out in front of my car his child will be fatherless, but chose to not make the situation any worse than it was.
I think your bike one is kind of unfair. I either slow way down OR get way over. No need to blow the doors off a bike.
But the rest of them, especially the "random brake light" one? Amen brother, amen. There are a few around here that will brake for every corner, even if they are well under the recommended corner speed, even if they already braked for the last corner and never sped up, it's an automatic "wheel turns, foot brakes" reflex, and it makes me wonder how many gallons our nation could save if we reeducated them.
P.S. What do you have against clovers? I say we call them cartards.
When riding a bicycle, I consider my arms' length to be sufficient clearance to avoid any aerodynamic wash issues from cars/pickups/SUVs.
Now as too a semi-tractor trailer, make that two arms' lengths.
Frankly, when I'm driving I tend to do the "clover" thing, because I have seen far too many bicycle riders exhibit absolutely astounding stupidity. Not all of them. Not even most of them. Just enough to make me very nervous passing a bicycle. I really don't want to punt some goddamned fool into the emergency ward. Even if it isn't my fault, and I could absolutely prove it, the aggravation just isn't worth the few seconds per I 'waste' by giving cyclists a wide berth.